The Untold
by EvenSong
Summary: Parodies of fairy tales, starting with a cannibalistic sleeping beauty, a clever goosegirl whose prince wets the bed, an unhappy hermitish rapunzel, and now presenting an insane snow white...rating for violence and immaturety... heehee...r&r&enjoy!
1. Sleeping Beauty, A Muderous Tale

Disclaimer: I don't own the Fairy tales...boohoo  
  
*#*#*  
  
There was once a Prince. He was perfect. And it was his   
  
destiny to rescue a sleeping beauty locked away in a tower.   
  
He left on his quest on a fine white steed, heading to the   
  
old witch who could tell him how to rescue the Princess.   
  
She told him : "Take the dagger that I give you and cut   
  
through the thorns with it, but be warned; do not let the   
  
thorns cut you or you shall die a painful death."   
  
The conceited Prince Drew laughed in her face (after taking   
  
the dagger) and left for the Tower and his Princess.   
  
He finally arrived and hacked his way through the thorny   
  
rose bushes to a tower. There, he found that his dagger was   
  
a key to all doors. All the time, he was   
  
muttering "Destiny!" over and over again in an endless   
  
litany.   
  
Eventually, he reached the top of the tower and his   
  
Princess. He brushed a perfect strand of perfect blond hair   
  
out of the way of his perfet blue eyes. Then he bent over,   
  
and kissed the Princess on her two luscious red lips.   
  
Instantly, he doubled over in pain.   
  
"You bastard!" The Princess screamed at him, twisting the   
  
dagger that had lain under her pillow for so long deeper   
  
into his chest.   
  
"AHHHHH!!!!" Gurgled the Prince in pain, as he died.   
  
"How dare you attack me and destroy my roses! You bastard,   
  
S.O.B.!"   
  
Then, with no difficulty at all, she picked up the Perfect   
  
Prince's body and through it out the window.   
  
"Can't a girl take a nap? At least he is of some good." She   
  
sighed and licked the blood off her hands. "He will water   
  
my roses well for a time."   
  
Then she lay back down on her bed and closed her eyes,   
  
waiting for the next hapless Prince to come along and water   
  
her roses with his lifeblood.   
  
She smiled in her sleep as she heard the tell-tale pounding   
  
of hooves.   
  
*#*#*  
  
A/N: So...how'd you like this? I was bored in study hall, and so i had fun writing this...heehee. Review if you wanna say anything about it. or email me...i don't care. anyway...i have two more...should i put them up? what other fairy tales should i mess with? heehee...any suggestions are welcome!!!!  
  
:o)  
  
EvenSong 


	2. The Princess and the Pee

Disclaimer: Sigh. Still don't own the fairy tales. whoever wwrote them does...  
  
But on with the laughter!  
  
*#*#*  
  
There was once a Prince. His parents urged him to get   
  
married, but he wanted to wait for a real Princess,   
  
whatever that was. The Prince was so stupid as to think   
  
that he would know it when he saw it.   
  
Word of his wanting a real Princess got out into the   
  
surrounding towns a villages, and soon beggars and choosers   
  
of all types came knocking at the door.  
  
now the Prince was too stupid to realize that these were   
  
not Princesses after all, but really whores dressed i na   
  
little more than they're usual attire. He didn't really   
  
care, that's how desperate he was.   
  
But his mother cared.   
  
She had read her script, knew that she had to make sure   
  
that they were all real Princesses. She read:   
  
"All real Princesses can feel a pea under one huindred   
  
mattresses. When they wake up in the morning they should be   
  
sore and black and blue where the pea was placed."   
  
Now, the Queen was dyslexic, and made her son pee on the   
  
bottom mattress, then haul one hundred matresses up to the   
  
top.   
  
The Prince did whatever his mommy told him to do, and so   
  
each morning the fake Princesses came to breakfast   
  
complaining about their beds being wet. One by one they   
  
were all sent away.   
  
Finally, no one even bothered to try anymore.   
  
Except for one poor little goose girl, and she didn't even   
  
mean to get to the palace in the first place.   
  
*#*#*  
  
One dark and stormy night, a tired girl walked up to a huge   
  
set of doors. She knocked tiredly, and gained admittance   
  
almost immediately.   
  
"Welcome, Princess," said the butler. "I didn't do it," he   
  
quickly added.   
  
"Hi. I'm-" The girl stopped and thought to herself, 'I   
  
could reap major benefits if I say that I am Princess.   
  
Heck, i could even become Queen!' "Yes, I'm a Princess."   
  
The goose girl was very smart and thought quickly about all   
  
of the books that she had read. "I have been set upon-eth   
  
by a band-eth of brigands, and I have lost-eth my traveling   
  
companions and all-eth my riches." She said primly.   
  
"Ok, follow me." The butler wondered why she was talking in   
  
such a funny way, but decided that if she truly was a real   
  
Princess, she would be different from all of the other   
  
girls who had come.  
  
So the butler lead her to a suite of rooms that seemed   
  
grand to the goose girl, but was really a broom closet.   
  
"Oh thank-eth you, Kind-eth sir!"   
  
"Sure, it's my job, lady." The butler blushed and   
  
shrugged. "Do you want to come down for dinner?"   
  
"Okee-eth dokee-eth!"   
  
So she did.   
  
When she went back up to her broom closet, she found a   
  
booklet lying on her bed, which was piled high with one   
  
hundred and one mattresses. "Wow, what a waste," said the   
  
goose girl to herself.   
  
Even still, she climbed on top of the mattresses and began   
  
to read. She read the Queen's script until well past   
  
midnight, reading also the part about the pea. Then she   
  
fell asleep.   
  
*#*#*  
  
In the morning when she woke up, she climbed down off the   
  
mattresses and went down to breakfast, making sure to limp   
  
and look sore.   
  
"I didn't sleep-eth a wink, and I'm all sore-eth and black   
  
and blue-eth," she recited perfectly, wondering why her bed   
  
had been so wet. Of course no one was going to check if she   
  
really was black and blue, so they believed her.   
  
"You shall be married at once!"  
  
The Prince and the goose girl were married at once, just as   
  
the Queen said.   
  
"I do," said the Prince.   
  
"I do-eth," said the Princess Goose Girl.   
  
"Stop talking so funny."   
  
"Ok." The Princess said. "C'mon, let's go happily ever   
  
after."   
  
And they did- with many wet beds, since the Queen   
  
constantly wanted to make sure the Princess was still a   
  
Princess.   
  
THE END   
  
Author's Note: This is fun! Thanks, chibified, for reviewing! :o)  
  
I had loads of fun writing this one...and i was so hyper because of sugar this time...jeez...it's almost sad, but it's still funny...:o) heehee. this kind of got disgusting, and immature, but that's ok! The other one i have is...well, i'll keep that a surprise!   
  
bwahaha...  
  
anymore suggestions are very welcome!   
  
-EvenSong- 


	3. Rapunzel, an Unhappy Hermit

Disclaimer: Nope. Don't own Rapunzel.   
  
Thank you to chibified for reviewing.   
  
I think that I will dedicate this chapter.   
  
Dedicated to: You who read this.   
  
Sorry, that seemed kind of stupid. But I mean it.   
  
Now, enough of me, more of the story.   
  
Read and Review and Enjoy!   
  
Rapunzel, An Unhappy Hermit  
  
The woman looked at the child sitting on her lap and   
  
sighed. This was the next hermit in the line. She looked at   
  
her servant.   
  
"Go get the witch woman."   
  
He did.   
  
"Go pick seven heads of lettuce."  
  
He did.   
  
"Hello witch woman. I want you to train my daughter in the   
  
art of hermit-hood. I will give you four heads of lettuce   
  
if you will do this."   
  
"Uh huh," said the witch woman. Then she emitted a three   
  
foot long stream of drool.   
  
"Eww!! Take all seven!! And the child!" The woman thrust   
  
her daughter at the witch woman who just smiled happily and   
  
took a big chunk out of the lettuce.   
  
"Mmm."   
  
The witch woman took the girl and walked with her to a   
  
tower. Then she locked her inside.   
  
"You shall be a hermit!" The witch woman declared and   
  
locked the tower and threw away the key. "Oh, and by the   
  
way, I think that I will name you after this really good   
  
lettuce. Your name shall be Rapunzel!"   
  
Then the witch woman left the child in the tower, coming   
  
once a week to replenish the food supply and make sure that   
  
the child bathed.   
  
Rapunzel grew into a lovely woman, with loads of long   
  
blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes and beautiful red lips.   
  
She was also very smart, since she was a hermit, and had   
  
nothing to do but read the dictionary all day.   
  
As the years went by, the witch woman came every week to   
  
make sure that Hermit Rapunzel had enough food and to make   
  
sure that she bathed. Since she had stupidly thrown away   
  
the key, the woman climbed up Rapunzel's long blonde hair,   
  
after saying the password (which cannot be revealed).   
  
One day, a dashing prince rode up to the tower. He had   
  
heard Rapunzel singing to the birds and contemplating the   
  
mysteries of life.   
  
"Oh fair maiden," the dashing prince intoned when he caught   
  
a look at her. "Wouldst thou marry me?"   
  
"Wha-who? Who are you?" Rapunzel asked, because she was not   
  
used to having strange men propose to her.   
  
"I am Prince Fabio," said Prince Fabio.   
  
"Oh, that's nice. I'm Rapunzel." Rapunzel did not know that   
  
she should not give out any personal information to   
  
strangers, because she had never heard of stranger   
  
danger. "Well, anyway, Prince Fabio, I will not marry you   
  
on the grounds that I don't know you and you could be a   
  
murderer for all I know. So I won't marry you. Good bye."   
  
Now Prince Fabio did not take this well, and he stormed the   
  
tower, opening the door with a key that he had found along   
  
his travels. Once inside, he picked up a screaming Hermit   
  
Praunzel and left. He tied her to his horse, trying not to   
  
trip over her ridiculously long hair.  
  
He married her when he got back to the castle, and she did   
  
not appreciate this at all.   
  
Now she was Princess Rapunzel, instead of Hermit Rapunzel,   
  
and she much preferred the latter. As they lay together in   
  
bed that night, she strangled him with her hair, since it   
  
left no finger prints.   
  
In the morning, she calmly announced that the Prince was   
  
dead. His parents died from shock, since they were very old   
  
anyway, and not a major important part of the story.   
  
Rapunzel took over the kingdom, and lived happily ever   
  
after as Queen Rapunzel, Hermit.   
  
She kept to the tower room in her castle, took only   
  
consorts and never married, and eventually gave her own   
  
daughter to the witch woman to be trained in the art of   
  
Hermit-Hood.   
  
The kingdom's population took its fashion sense from its   
  
Queen, and they all became Hermits. In the end, it turned   
  
out to be a kind of utopia, and they all lived happily ever   
  
after.   
  
The End. 


	4. Snow White, The Pretty Princess

Disclaimer: Don't own Snow White...  
  
Snow White, The Pretty Princess  
  
There was once a Queen. She wanted a child with skin as   
  
white as snow, hair as black as ebony, and lips as red as   
  
blood. In short, she wanted a child who looked exactly like   
  
her.   
  
Through genetics, she had the child of her dreams, and then   
  
died of happiness.   
  
The King married the first pretty girl he found on the   
  
street, because hey, his daughter needed a mother. The girl   
  
wasn't too happy about this, because, hey, she had a life.   
  
Pretty soon, the Pretty girl killed the King in one of her   
  
temper tantrums (although nobody suspected her of course.   
  
One of the guardsmen got the chop.). The Pretty girl became   
  
the Evil Queen and put her stepdaughter into a life of   
  
slavery, or what seemed like it. (Of course, the real   
  
slaves thought that she had it great.)  
  
With time, the little Princess grew up, which was bound to   
  
happen at some point. She also grew prettier, with the help   
  
of Maybelline. (Many of the jealous slaves wondered, "Maybe   
  
she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.")  
  
Now the Evil Queen grew older as well. She was becoming   
  
wrinkled, and no amount of creams or concealer could change   
  
that. She was used to being the prettiest, the best, and   
  
now the Princess was prettier.   
  
So, the Queen devised a diabolical plan late one night to   
  
kill the Pretty Princess. She cackled over it until eight   
  
p.m. when she abruptly fell asleep because it was her   
  
bedtime.   
  
The next day, she sent the Pretty Princess into the woods   
  
with a huntsman to kill her. Now the huntsman was a man   
  
(duh) and easily won over by beauty. The Pretty Princess   
  
offered him her body in return for her life and he   
  
accepted.   
  
When the Evil Queen found out about this love affair, she   
  
gave the huntsman the chop, and locked the Pretty Princess   
  
away in an asylum with seven crazy midgets.   
  
The pretty Princess wasn't happy about it, so she threw a   
  
temper tantrum that shocked all the midgets into sanity.   
  
Late one night, the crept out of the asylum, past the   
  
guards and into the forest, where they became outlaw   
  
miners. They were forever known as the Merry Midgets after   
  
that.   
  
The Pretty Princess was pretty pissed about being left out   
  
of the group name, so she killed the seven midgets, ate   
  
them for supper, made gooseberry pie and tried to live   
  
happily ever after.   
  
Her attempt failed, so she lived miserably until the Prince   
  
Peter came knocking at her door.   
  
"Wolf!" He cried as she opened the door.   
  
"What did you just say?" She asked him incredulously.   
  
"Just joking," he said, laughing. "Would you like to marry   
  
me?"   
  
"Sure, why not?" The Pretty Princess skipped off into the   
  
forest with her Prince, who unbeknownst to her, had been   
  
bribed to the Evil Queen.   
  
"Want an apple?" He asked her casually. Before she could   
  
answer, he shoved the apple in her mouth and she choked to   
  
death.   
  
There is no reincarnation in the real world, but in the   
  
Pretty Princess's world, you bet there is!   
  
Instantly, she lived again, spit the piece of apple into   
  
the Prince's  
  
Eye, and tried to eat him. He pulled his reserve weapon   
  
from his belt, a comb of all things, and stabbed her head   
  
with it.   
  
Now this was a special, poisoned comb that was especially   
  
designed for killing snow-white maidens.   
  
Once more, the Pretty Princess was reincarnated, although   
  
she was not quite as pretty as before, and tried to eat him   
  
again. The Prince was quite unnerved by now by her   
  
cannibalistic ways. He used the last weapon he possessed, a   
  
pretty pink ribbon, and tied her mouth shut.   
  
He took her directly to her stepmother (without   
  
passing 'Go', collecting $200 or anything else.) where he   
  
announced that he would not marry the Pretty Princess. He   
  
ran away as the Pretty Princess was unleashed upon her   
  
stepmother.   
  
The Evil Queen was gone in three bites. The Pretty Princess   
  
became the Cannibalistic Queen; she ate all her subjects,   
  
and then started on herself.   
  
She died, and the ruler-ship of the Kingdom was given to   
  
the relatives of the seven Midgets.   
  
They lived happily ever after until they died.   
  
The End.   
  
A/N: thanks to all the people who reviewed! Wow...I feel special. Sorry this took so long..i lost the notebook where I wrote this one down. If you haven't looked at Little red Riding Hood's family and friends, you should. It's a lot like this one.   
  
I hope you liked this one! :o)   
  
What are some other fairy tales...and how could I mess them? Heheh  
  
~Even*Song~ 


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